Maybe So...
But You Can Still Be Kind To Yourself
It’s come around again. That time of year where the pressure is to be ‘jolly’ and have a ‘magical’ Christmas. Whilst most of us grumble about the amount of extra load Christmas brings to our already stressful lives, finding the perfect presents, getting the food shop done and so on, when the festive day arrives most us are able to find some joy in it.
Sometimes however, it can be incredibly painful if you are struggling and as the build up to Christmas now seems to go on forever the sense of dread and anxiety can become deeper and more harmful. You just want it to be over with.
Many life circumstances make Christmas difficult; often the firsts. The first Christmas after the loss of a loved one; a family member, dear friend or even a pet for some people. The absence of that special person creates a huge void around the dinner table when you can no longer pull a Christmas cracker with them.
Or of course after a relationship breakup, when the classic and/ or trashy Xmas films are all about falling in love, romance reunions and resolutions where fairy tales happen on Christmas Eve in time for the big day. But you know you’re probably going to be having a blue soup kind of a day. Switch the channel.
The loss of a job can cause a financial burden and lack of identity which, in a culture that holds materialism and societal status as a key to happiness (if you believe the hype) can really undermine self worth and value.
These are just a few examples of life circumstances that can make us feel isolated and alone at this time of year. Even if we are sharing the day with others.
Q. So what can you do?
A. OWN IT!!!! Kick it in the head and decide you’re going to do Christmas YOUR way this year.
That might mean not partaking in Christmas at all, or just engaging in parts of it. That suit you.
I was chatting with a friend the other day who said that after her much loved mother died and her marriage broke up she decided she was not going to do any traditional kind of Christmas for a few years. In mixing it up she was able to at least try and look forward to the things she was about to do, instead of doing the things she usually did, which would just be an added reminder of who and what she had lost. For a few years she went on holiday to escape such emotional triggers, or went out for a pub lunch with a collective of single friends, or people who for whatever reason were unable to spend it with their families. Kind of like breaking the Christmas cycle and doing something different to what society (and your own nervous system) expects.
I’ve spoken to a number of people who have consciously decided to do Christmas day alone. Which may have initially felt daunting, but they had a mind shift and gave themselves permission to have some me time, bought themselves a great present and cooked themselves the Christmas dinner of their choosing. Even if that’s a curry!!
Personally I roast a duck every year even if I’m not having Christmas at my house. Because prepping it and deciding what to season it with makers me happy!
If money is tight, you could try having have an experiential day doing something cheap and cheerful alone or with others. A winter walk in the morning or going to a service on Christmas eve. That doesn’t cost a penny. Last year my sister and her partner did a park run in the morning.
If you find neither your friends or family are around and you don’t want to be alone you could always volunteer at a homeless shelter or a charity, cooking or whatever. Many people I know have done that and said it’s been one of their most rewarding Christmases.
During Covid my friend was so fed up that she put her tree up in November and took it down on Valentine’s Day of the following year. Another one left it up until Easter. You can just do what you want!!
I’m not suggesting that any of the above will deter the sad feelings (and nor should they, sadness often represents the love we had for someone or our former selves and we’re allowed to healthily grieve that) but it doesn’t have to consume us. we can take back some control of how our day goes on the 25th December!!!! If you wake up and want to cry, then cry, as hard as need to. Just make sure you do something nice for you with the day too. To give yourself some self love, gentleness and kindness. Plan something that would work for you to take the edge off.
For me, something I’ve really noticed this year is how irritating I’m finding the noise. The Christmas songs, the adverts and that high energy essence to make us festive giddy and spend more. It all just feels too much. So I’ve turned off the radio in the car. EASY!! I’ve eliminated it and kept Christmas shopping to a minimum. I’ve had a hard year too this year, so I’m doing what’s manageable and being where I’ll find some enjoyment in the middle of it.
For the first time in around twenty years I’m not putting my tree up. But I will be buying myself beautiful flowers and having scented candles dotted around. I’m good with that.
…And I’m just nipping out to buy the duck!
On a more serious note, If you’re finding that you're really struggling to cope on Christmas day, here’s a link to various helplines that are available. Please remember that there is always someone to talk to and many of these helplines are free to call.
Much Love
The Emotional Revolution Blog
